I should probably be studying for Immunology right now but even just picking up my book makes my eyelids heavy so I decided to write an entry instead since it's been a while and also I just have a ton of stuff on my mind. So since anyone reading this is a good friend, I don't feel weird just coming out and saying that I'm going to try to transfer out of Miami to go elsewhere. I still am not sure if this is the best decision for me but I might as well initiate the process so that hopefully come spring I have the option of staying or going.
I should have never come to Miami. Now that I'm here, I'm trying to make the best of it but it's really hard to do that. I'm enjoying my lab rotation though trying to figure out where I'm going to do my second rotation has become stressful since my options in microbiology are more limited than I had thought (one of my main reasons for wanting to transfer). I've slowly been making more and more friends--I have a ton of acquaintances but no really close friends here which is probably more my fault since I don't really make the effort to hang out with people outside of school. On the other hand, being at school with an ex really sucks. It's not like I see him everyday and the last time I saw him was Halloween but just knowing that everytime an elevator door opens or someone walks into the library it could be him is really stressful and is really distracting. And it's not that I hate him or even dislike him because I don't because I was pretty horrible to him and deserve whatever disdain he has for me but seeing him just makes me feel sad and hurts my heart (I don't know how else to describe it). Overall it wouldn't be the end of the world if I stayed because I'd adapt but I do dislike living here and wish I had made the decision to attend school elsewhere from the beginning.
As far as where I'm applying, I have ideas but not a final list but right now its looking like the midwest or back in the northeast. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out the midwest has something to do with a significant other but therein lies the other part of my stress. I don't want to have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend and for the record, I never want a long distance relationship ever again--it's too difficult and too painful on many levels. For those of you who are able to see your significant other whenever you want, never forget how lucky you are. However I'm so scared of changing my life just to have another relationship not work out. While this relationship is very different from my previous one and we're in an infinitely better place than I was with Ansel when we discussed moving to be together, I don't want to move halfway across the country just to end up alone. Emotionally I really can't handle another failed relationship but I also can't handle seeing my boyfriend every couple months. I really want the courage to transfer but it's hard--my relationship right now is great (I couldn't ask for anything else) and there really isn't any reason why it shouldn't keep being great if I moved but there's the little voice that keeps telling me it might not work out. I seriously think I must be crazy. I just don't want to end up being a cautionary tale.
On the other hand, it wouldn't be so bad to move back to the northeast (I'm thinking anywhere btwn Washington DC and NYC) because I'd be back in a city and closer to my friends and family.
Wow, this ended up being a really long and self-involved rant but writing was very therapeutic because otherwise I just keep it all inside. There isn't really anyone I can talk to here about any of this because no one knows I'm transferring. It's getting so bad, one of my workmates commented today that I looked like someone had beat me up because I looked so out of it and mind you this is after I actually tried to look nice (did my hair and put makeup on). I just want to be at peace and happy and I just wish I knew which path would bring me there. I can't wait for Christmas when I'll be home and won't have to worry about anything for a couple days.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
I need to chill out...
It's been a while since my last post but that's because nothing new has really happened. I'm settling into a school routine and it's really not that exciting--I've got my first set of exams for both my classes out of the way (passed one so far, just waiting to get the other one back) and also started my lab rotation. It felt really good to be in the lab again until I was the last one to leave tonight...the point of a rotation is not really to work, so it's completely unacceptable to be there past 5pm (I'm only being slightly sarcastic). I'm working on characterizing a gene in chlamydia (yes, the STD and no, I do not have a personal vendetta here). I was so spoiled working at the NIH last year where we spent so much money on pre-made things (pre-cast gels, buffers already made, etc) and now I spend so much time just making gels, solutions, etc that I need to learn to plan my time in the lab better to minimize wasting time on prep work...oh how I miss the government. But for real I really do miss living in Bethesda and working at the NIH--in comparison I like grad school so far but don't really like living in Miami. People down here tell me it's the equivalent of a warmer New York but that is a blatant lie and those people should be shot for making such a blasphemous statement--New York has all four seasons (I'd kill for fall weather right now) and isn't tacky like Miami and people in Miami are much ruder than any New Yorker hands-down.
Other than that this past week or so has been rather stressful more so with my personal life than academic stuff. I've had a rather awkward run-in with Ansel, been rather snippy with Louis (as a consequence), and am praying for my hair to magically regrow after my aunt hacked a ton of it off when I just wanted a trim. I've definitely freaked out about all these things and other little things I can't even remember anymore (screamed, cried, etc) and when is all said and done, I just need to chill out! The question is how do I do that before I get upset in the first place?! This is one area of my personality that I really want to work on especially since I feel it betrays some of my lingering immaturity. We'll see how that goes...
Other than that this past week or so has been rather stressful more so with my personal life than academic stuff. I've had a rather awkward run-in with Ansel, been rather snippy with Louis (as a consequence), and am praying for my hair to magically regrow after my aunt hacked a ton of it off when I just wanted a trim. I've definitely freaked out about all these things and other little things I can't even remember anymore (screamed, cried, etc) and when is all said and done, I just need to chill out! The question is how do I do that before I get upset in the first place?! This is one area of my personality that I really want to work on especially since I feel it betrays some of my lingering immaturity. We'll see how that goes...
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Cute Story...yeah, I'm sappy
Ok, so I decided to write an entry instead of studying for my first test this Thursday...
I wanted to share a really touching story that Louis told me about a couple days ago that a geriatrician told his med school class about during a lecture.
So once upon a time Margaret and Bob were high school sweethearts and loved each other very much even though Margaret's father disapproved of their relationship. Unfortunately Bob had to go serve in WWII and leave Margaret behind. Margaret tried to keep in touch with by writing him letters while he was away and Bob did the same. However, Margaret's father never sent any of the letters to Bob and hid all the letters from Bob from Margaret so neither got any of the letters from the other. After thinking Bob wasn't writing her back, Margaret sent one last letter to Bob tellign him she thought that they should move on with their lives and see what else is out there for them--her father sent this letter to Bob. (Sounds a little like The Notebook right? You can be sure that by this point in the convo I was for sure tearing up)
So Margaret and Bob did move on with their lives. They both fell in love again and married other people and had families. Both lived in Kansas City but never tried to contact each other. Eventually Margaret's husband and Bob's wife passed away and Bob decided to get in touch with Margaret again. They did see each other again and after all those years were still in love with each other and got married...in their eighties.
And now comes the sad part. Margaret was diagnosed with lung cancer and her first thought when she learned of her diagnosis was concern for Bob and what he would do without her. The geriatrician that told this story to the med school class was the one who helped Margaret tell Bob about her diagnosis and has been involved with her treatment. Margaret underwent surgery but isn't responding well to chemotherapy, etc so she and Bob have decided that she won't have any more surgeries, etc and they will just spend the remaining time they have with each other and make the most of it.
By the time Louis finished telling me this story I was ready to start crying. I hope eventually that I find love like that and get to spend the rest of my life with that person. Sometimes I doubt the likelihood of that considering that the U.S. divorce rate is approximately 50% and it seems like no one stays together anymore but then stories like Margaret and Bob's makes it seem possible after all except I hope I don't have to wait until I'm eighty. Also I have no idea where I'm going to end up in the future let alone a year from now and where my relationships are going to go as a result of that but I try to comfort myself with the thought that if it's meant to be, it'll work out in the end.
I wanted to share a really touching story that Louis told me about a couple days ago that a geriatrician told his med school class about during a lecture.
So once upon a time Margaret and Bob were high school sweethearts and loved each other very much even though Margaret's father disapproved of their relationship. Unfortunately Bob had to go serve in WWII and leave Margaret behind. Margaret tried to keep in touch with by writing him letters while he was away and Bob did the same. However, Margaret's father never sent any of the letters to Bob and hid all the letters from Bob from Margaret so neither got any of the letters from the other. After thinking Bob wasn't writing her back, Margaret sent one last letter to Bob tellign him she thought that they should move on with their lives and see what else is out there for them--her father sent this letter to Bob. (Sounds a little like The Notebook right? You can be sure that by this point in the convo I was for sure tearing up)
So Margaret and Bob did move on with their lives. They both fell in love again and married other people and had families. Both lived in Kansas City but never tried to contact each other. Eventually Margaret's husband and Bob's wife passed away and Bob decided to get in touch with Margaret again. They did see each other again and after all those years were still in love with each other and got married...in their eighties.
And now comes the sad part. Margaret was diagnosed with lung cancer and her first thought when she learned of her diagnosis was concern for Bob and what he would do without her. The geriatrician that told this story to the med school class was the one who helped Margaret tell Bob about her diagnosis and has been involved with her treatment. Margaret underwent surgery but isn't responding well to chemotherapy, etc so she and Bob have decided that she won't have any more surgeries, etc and they will just spend the remaining time they have with each other and make the most of it.
By the time Louis finished telling me this story I was ready to start crying. I hope eventually that I find love like that and get to spend the rest of my life with that person. Sometimes I doubt the likelihood of that considering that the U.S. divorce rate is approximately 50% and it seems like no one stays together anymore but then stories like Margaret and Bob's makes it seem possible after all except I hope I don't have to wait until I'm eighty. Also I have no idea where I'm going to end up in the future let alone a year from now and where my relationships are going to go as a result of that but I try to comfort myself with the thought that if it's meant to be, it'll work out in the end.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Monday, Monday
1) Security guards can be really annoying. So I forget my ID today for the first time (and definitely not the last) and realize when I get on the metro so it was way too late to go home and get it. I try to walk past the security guard of my building nonchalantly since I belong there and they never ask to see your ID but of course on the day I forget my ID he stops me and asks to see it. I waste a couple seconds pretending to search for it in my bag even though I know I don't have it and finally mutter, "I must have forgotten it." Then I tell him I'm a graduate student and my department is on the 3rd floor. He looks at me as if he's confused and says, "That doesn't mean anything to me."
At that point I was just annoyed and shot him a dirty look. What do you mean the phrase graduate student doesn't mean anything to you?? Have you not noticed all the younger looking people walking in and out of the building everyday? Did he wake up this morning and decide he was gonna give me a hard time?! After a few more questions he finally lets me sign in. Honestly if I were going to try to gain illegal access to the medical campus, I wouldn't try to ealk through the front door of one of the more popular buildings on campus. I know I'm overreacting to the situation but I was already in a bad mood because I didn't want to go to class and my friend the security guard made it worse.
2) Also for my faithful readers who were probably wondering, "Have you run into Ansel yet?" Today was that day. So I guess I didn't technically run into him but I saw him. Every Monday there is a microbiology seminar that we're "required" to attend and plus they give us coffee and cookies. So I went to the first one of the year today and sat in the back of the room with some other first years. We're just chatting with each other before the lecture starts and I'm just looking around the room and I spot him on a diagonal from me and let out an audible, "Oh shit" and sink down in my seat. Why in the world did he come to my department's lecture? I'm not sure when he spotted me but I know for sure he did because a PI standing behind me asked a question in the middle of the lecture and everyone in the room (it was a very small room)turned to look to see who was speaking and I saw him see me. We didn't speak or acknowledge each other in any way and when the lecture was over he quickly left the room from the exit in the front of the room.
I was wondering when this inevitable day would come and am a little surprised it hadn't happened sooner. How did I feel upon seeing him?? It was a weird feeling. I didn't get all nostalgic for the "good ole days" or anything like that but rather a mixture of guilt, anger, and disfamiliarity. Guilt because of the way things ended and how he reacted--I still feel like I don't have a sense of closure. Anger for a lot of the verbal abuse I endured from him especially in this past year which was a huge part of my decision to end our relationship. And lastly disfamiliarity because I feel like I just don't know that person anymore and I guess I really don't.
We grew apart and are different people now then we were when we were together and that's ok--people come into and leave your life at different times for different reasons and in the end things do work out for the best for all parties involved (this is one cliche that I firmly believe in). I wouldn't take back the time Ansel and I spent together and while I wish our relationship had ended differently, I don't regret that it ended. This was my first "break-up" and in the months leading up to breaking up and from the act itself, I learned a lot about myself and where I am in my life especially in regards to romantic relationships. A new person has come into my life to help me grow as a person and experience love in a new way and I have been and am very happy.
At that point I was just annoyed and shot him a dirty look. What do you mean the phrase graduate student doesn't mean anything to you?? Have you not noticed all the younger looking people walking in and out of the building everyday? Did he wake up this morning and decide he was gonna give me a hard time?! After a few more questions he finally lets me sign in. Honestly if I were going to try to gain illegal access to the medical campus, I wouldn't try to ealk through the front door of one of the more popular buildings on campus. I know I'm overreacting to the situation but I was already in a bad mood because I didn't want to go to class and my friend the security guard made it worse.
2) Also for my faithful readers who were probably wondering, "Have you run into Ansel yet?" Today was that day. So I guess I didn't technically run into him but I saw him. Every Monday there is a microbiology seminar that we're "required" to attend and plus they give us coffee and cookies. So I went to the first one of the year today and sat in the back of the room with some other first years. We're just chatting with each other before the lecture starts and I'm just looking around the room and I spot him on a diagonal from me and let out an audible, "Oh shit" and sink down in my seat. Why in the world did he come to my department's lecture? I'm not sure when he spotted me but I know for sure he did because a PI standing behind me asked a question in the middle of the lecture and everyone in the room (it was a very small room)turned to look to see who was speaking and I saw him see me. We didn't speak or acknowledge each other in any way and when the lecture was over he quickly left the room from the exit in the front of the room.
I was wondering when this inevitable day would come and am a little surprised it hadn't happened sooner. How did I feel upon seeing him?? It was a weird feeling. I didn't get all nostalgic for the "good ole days" or anything like that but rather a mixture of guilt, anger, and disfamiliarity. Guilt because of the way things ended and how he reacted--I still feel like I don't have a sense of closure. Anger for a lot of the verbal abuse I endured from him especially in this past year which was a huge part of my decision to end our relationship. And lastly disfamiliarity because I feel like I just don't know that person anymore and I guess I really don't.
We grew apart and are different people now then we were when we were together and that's ok--people come into and leave your life at different times for different reasons and in the end things do work out for the best for all parties involved (this is one cliche that I firmly believe in). I wouldn't take back the time Ansel and I spent together and while I wish our relationship had ended differently, I don't regret that it ended. This was my first "break-up" and in the months leading up to breaking up and from the act itself, I learned a lot about myself and where I am in my life especially in regards to romantic relationships. A new person has come into my life to help me grow as a person and experience love in a new way and I have been and am very happy.
Friday, September 5, 2008
So much I want to say but don't know if it's appropriate or even wanted. Planning a future that may not even exist. Unsure whether to let myself dream or stay grounded and realize that things can come to an end as quickly and haphazardly as they started. I could just burst. So naive. Is it still a secret? Do I even exist? Afraid of getting burned but maybe that's what I deserve. I wish I could see your thoughts for even just a second. I need some validation. If I could freeze time I know exactly which moment I would choose. The world stops--does it stop for you too? The moment I long for takes one click of a mouse. One of a future of many. No more searching. Self-fulfilling loss. Frustrated. If you love someone, you should tell them--words of wisdom from my 5yr old cousin.
**I know the above paragragh probably doesn't make much sense and no, I'm not on any illicit substances. I just have had some stuff on my mind and needed to put them down concretely.
**I know the above paragragh probably doesn't make much sense and no, I'm not on any illicit substances. I just have had some stuff on my mind and needed to put them down concretely.
Fun times on the Miami metro
So I take the Miami metro rail to and from school everyday as to avoid the heinous Miami traffic. The metro only has one line that runs north-south and it doesn't really go to any tourist locales or the beach but but gets me where I need to go Monday through Friday. The metro can be a little sketchy and the ridership isn't as diverse as it is in New York where everyone, no matter who you are, hops on the subway. The metro definitely gives you a slice of the Miami that you don't see on TV or in travel brochures.
That being said I had quite the interesting ride home yesterday thanks to one Mr. Ruiz. So I'm riding the train with Xiaomei, a fellow grad student, when a guy (we'll call him A) sitting in front of us proceeds to start talking to another guy (B) who is reading the newspaper. At first guy A asks if guy B has read the article about Cutler Ridge (a neighborhood near Miami) and guy B responds that he has just started reading the newspaper and hasn't gotten to it yet. There's silence for a while but then guy A starts talking again about how he grew up in Cutler Ridge and how dangerous and gang-infested it is (he also proceeded to start naming every gang in existence). Now you could tell guy B just wanted to read his newspaper in peace and didn't really give guy A the time of day but guy A wasn't the type to take a hint. It was obvious that guy A liked to talk about himself and may have also been a little mentally ill.
Guy A proceeds to then say that he used to be in a gang but has cleaned up his act since moving to Miami. Guy B, who has decided his efforts at reading were futile, starts to talk back and asks what made him turn his life around. Guy A replies nonchalantly, "Jail." Everyone within earshot looks up and stares at guy A, myself included, because I'm sure we all were wondering what type of criminal we were stuck in the train car with (Murderer? Rapist? Thief?) and whether we should be afraid. Even guy B seems a little nervous and doesn't respond right away. Guy A proceeds to explain that he has 4 misdemeanors and 1 felony on his record most involving carrying a concealed weapon and has been in jail twice for short sentences. Guy A also blamed his second stint in the slammer with being a paranoid schizophrenic who heard voices that told him to commit the crimes (Prime example is he mentioned he doesn't use a computer, cell phone, or credit cards because he doesn't want to be traced). Now he's turned his life around and is looking for a job to get back on his feet.
Guy B humors him until he gets off at the second to last stop and leaves me sitting next to guy A for the ride to the last stop. I quickly pulled out my cell phone and pretended to look busy so that I wouldn't have to talk to him because he weirded me out a little (sorry, I'm a terrible person but I get uncomfortable very easily). I hope guy A, Mr. Ruiz, really does get the help he needs and has a better life from here on out. Needless to say I'm curious to see what other experiences I have on the metro this year...just hope I stay safe.
That being said I had quite the interesting ride home yesterday thanks to one Mr. Ruiz. So I'm riding the train with Xiaomei, a fellow grad student, when a guy (we'll call him A) sitting in front of us proceeds to start talking to another guy (B) who is reading the newspaper. At first guy A asks if guy B has read the article about Cutler Ridge (a neighborhood near Miami) and guy B responds that he has just started reading the newspaper and hasn't gotten to it yet. There's silence for a while but then guy A starts talking again about how he grew up in Cutler Ridge and how dangerous and gang-infested it is (he also proceeded to start naming every gang in existence). Now you could tell guy B just wanted to read his newspaper in peace and didn't really give guy A the time of day but guy A wasn't the type to take a hint. It was obvious that guy A liked to talk about himself and may have also been a little mentally ill.
Guy A proceeds to then say that he used to be in a gang but has cleaned up his act since moving to Miami. Guy B, who has decided his efforts at reading were futile, starts to talk back and asks what made him turn his life around. Guy A replies nonchalantly, "Jail." Everyone within earshot looks up and stares at guy A, myself included, because I'm sure we all were wondering what type of criminal we were stuck in the train car with (Murderer? Rapist? Thief?) and whether we should be afraid. Even guy B seems a little nervous and doesn't respond right away. Guy A proceeds to explain that he has 4 misdemeanors and 1 felony on his record most involving carrying a concealed weapon and has been in jail twice for short sentences. Guy A also blamed his second stint in the slammer with being a paranoid schizophrenic who heard voices that told him to commit the crimes (Prime example is he mentioned he doesn't use a computer, cell phone, or credit cards because he doesn't want to be traced). Now he's turned his life around and is looking for a job to get back on his feet.
Guy B humors him until he gets off at the second to last stop and leaves me sitting next to guy A for the ride to the last stop. I quickly pulled out my cell phone and pretended to look busy so that I wouldn't have to talk to him because he weirded me out a little (sorry, I'm a terrible person but I get uncomfortable very easily). I hope guy A, Mr. Ruiz, really does get the help he needs and has a better life from here on out. Needless to say I'm curious to see what other experiences I have on the metro this year...just hope I stay safe.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Who said going back to school was a good idea...
It's been a while since my last post but not too much has happened in the past week except for starting school and visiting Kansas City.
I've been in class since last Wednesday so not even a full week week yet but so far grad school feels like college but that's only because lab rotations haven't started yet. I'm taking two classes: IBS (insert funny jokes about bullshit here) which is basically all of undergrad biology in one semester and Graduate Immunology. IBS started with biochemistry-type stuff about pKa's of proteins, etc which I actually never learned about at Duke (I'm paying for being a slacker) so I started off feeling really unprepared but I've been keeping up with the material, so I feel more capable now (plus I'll feel like a complete idiot if I fail grad school classes since everyone reminds us how easy they're supposed to be).
Besides classes in the morning, we have a seminar called faculty discussions where two faculty members give 30min talks about their research so that we're better prepared when choosing labs for our three rotations this year. This is one of the aspects of the program I really like because I think it would have been really overwhelming to have had to choose someone over the summer based on just their online bio and out of date picture. The one down side is that theses discussions are making me realize that the program in really immunology heavy (they hid this fact well during my interview) and there aren't many researchers on the microbiology side of things (bacteria, viruses, or parasites) which I'm a little disappointed about. I'm a little worried that I may be restricted in my choice of labs or that I'll have to switch my research interests. But I have until the end of the month to pick my first rotation so I have tons of time to think.
Besides my classes and faculty discussions, I have a ton of down time so I've just been hanging out with some other graduate students in the lounge and trying to be social though I should probably be using that time to study. But I'm sure I'll meet more people, especially older grad students, once I get into the lab. Overall I don't really have much to complain about in the first week of school.
This past labor day weekend I went to Kansas City to visit Louis and had a really great time. He took me around the downtown areas and we did some touristy things, went to Lawrence to the undergrad campus to watch the first football game of the season and tailgate, but overall we just hung out and ate out a lot and anyone who knows me knows that laziness + good food = a happy KA so I had an awesome visit. Kansas City was very charming and I could see it being really nice in a few years once it's more developed. It actually reminded me a lot of downtown Durham so I got a little nostalgic. I can't wait to head back for another visit (maybe I'll get myself a pair of cowboy boots next time).
Ok, I need to stop procratinating by updating my blog and learn about stem cells and proteins.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Orientation
Yesterday was my orientation day for graduate school and it went pretty well overall considering I had to wake up at 6:30am (I honestly can't remember the last time I woke up that early) and then proceeded to sleep through happy hour. Orientation consisted of a general orientation for all the incoming grad students for the all the biomedical sciences programs and then afterwards I had my microbiology department orientation.
The general orientation was just a bunch of deans and professors giving us their pearls of wisdom (all the things they claim they wish someone had told them when they were in grad school), telling us we don't really need to do well in classes because no one cares about your grades anymore (just get a B was the takehome message), and reminding us that we're not in college anymore. I'm not gonna lie, it was a little scary. I mean I never thought getting a PhD would be easy but now I have fears of:(1) how do I decide what an important problem is?, (2) how do I keep myself from getting frustrated around my 3rd year when nothing is working and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel?, (3) what if I can't think critically enough to be, not just a good scientist, but a great scientist?, and (4) what if I'm in grad school forever (and by forever I mean longer than 5.5 yrs)?
However, besides scaring me a little, orientation also made me realize what I'm doing is important. When I finish my PhD, I will have done original research and discovered something that currently is unknown and will be an "expert" on that topic--that's pretty awesome. The icing on the cake of course would be if my work can somehow be applied to alleviating human disease since I'll probably focus on bacterial or viral pathogenesis.
Also one of the deans speaking to us gave us an example about thinking about hypotheses I'd like to share just because I had never thought about science in that way before. So he basically told us that you must always remember that we can't ever really prove a hypothesis, only support it with data. However, while it's important to try to support your hypothesis, you should try to disprove it as well--that way you might save yourself some time chasing windmills if you can disprove it quickly and you also may get your critics to respect you (there's always going to be someone trying to prove you wrong so you might as well beat them to it). And to support his advice he told us a story about swans. If your hypothesis is that all the swans in the world are white, you can spend the rest of your life counting white swans but the easier and more practical approach would be to look for the one black swan. (Let it simmer for a while...)
Lastly, we had our department orientation. My program is only six people including myself--there are three other normal first years like me (one's a transfer) and two MD/PhD students. It's a pretty small but everyone seemed nice so I hope we bond pretty quickly but we'll see how that goes in the coming weeks, otherwise I'll have to settle on being the weird loner girl.
The general orientation was just a bunch of deans and professors giving us their pearls of wisdom (all the things they claim they wish someone had told them when they were in grad school), telling us we don't really need to do well in classes because no one cares about your grades anymore (just get a B was the takehome message), and reminding us that we're not in college anymore. I'm not gonna lie, it was a little scary. I mean I never thought getting a PhD would be easy but now I have fears of:(1) how do I decide what an important problem is?, (2) how do I keep myself from getting frustrated around my 3rd year when nothing is working and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel?, (3) what if I can't think critically enough to be, not just a good scientist, but a great scientist?, and (4) what if I'm in grad school forever (and by forever I mean longer than 5.5 yrs)?
However, besides scaring me a little, orientation also made me realize what I'm doing is important. When I finish my PhD, I will have done original research and discovered something that currently is unknown and will be an "expert" on that topic--that's pretty awesome. The icing on the cake of course would be if my work can somehow be applied to alleviating human disease since I'll probably focus on bacterial or viral pathogenesis.
Also one of the deans speaking to us gave us an example about thinking about hypotheses I'd like to share just because I had never thought about science in that way before. So he basically told us that you must always remember that we can't ever really prove a hypothesis, only support it with data. However, while it's important to try to support your hypothesis, you should try to disprove it as well--that way you might save yourself some time chasing windmills if you can disprove it quickly and you also may get your critics to respect you (there's always going to be someone trying to prove you wrong so you might as well beat them to it). And to support his advice he told us a story about swans. If your hypothesis is that all the swans in the world are white, you can spend the rest of your life counting white swans but the easier and more practical approach would be to look for the one black swan. (Let it simmer for a while...)
Lastly, we had our department orientation. My program is only six people including myself--there are three other normal first years like me (one's a transfer) and two MD/PhD students. It's a pretty small but everyone seemed nice so I hope we bond pretty quickly but we'll see how that goes in the coming weeks, otherwise I'll have to settle on being the weird loner girl.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
An early New Year's Resolution
So I lived through my first tropical storm. It actually wasn't too bad where I was--just a lot of rain and wind. I wouldn't have thought it was more then just a thunderstorm. Although I guess a little south of where I live, there was a lot more damage and a ton of people lost power, etc so, all in all, I was pretty lucky!
I've had a lot of downtime this week before school actually starts and I've been doing a lot of thinking about the future in general. One of the epiphanies that I had today was that I think too much about the future--to the point where I don't enjoy what I have in the present. While I still think it's important to be cognizant of the future and have an outline of what you want, your goals, who you want to become, etc, you can't forget about the now which I've been pretty bad about lately. I've become absorbed in worrying about what's to come that I haven't been thankful for the moments that have been passing me by everyday. I forget that we can't predict the future, maybe influence it with our daily actions but even still we'll never know what's to come--things will work out the way they're meant to be in due time.
It's always easier to find a million things to complain about than to focus on the good but overall I have a pretty good life. I have a wonderful family, awesome friends, a great boyfriend, and a plethora of opportunities that I should take advantage of. I remember in middle school, one of our daily English assignments was to write down three things we were grateful for that day and I think now maybe that assignment wasn't such a waste of time. So I'm going to try to enjoy today and appreciate all the things I take for granted before I wake up one day to find that some of it is gone.
I've had a lot of downtime this week before school actually starts and I've been doing a lot of thinking about the future in general. One of the epiphanies that I had today was that I think too much about the future--to the point where I don't enjoy what I have in the present. While I still think it's important to be cognizant of the future and have an outline of what you want, your goals, who you want to become, etc, you can't forget about the now which I've been pretty bad about lately. I've become absorbed in worrying about what's to come that I haven't been thankful for the moments that have been passing me by everyday. I forget that we can't predict the future, maybe influence it with our daily actions but even still we'll never know what's to come--things will work out the way they're meant to be in due time.
It's always easier to find a million things to complain about than to focus on the good but overall I have a pretty good life. I have a wonderful family, awesome friends, a great boyfriend, and a plethora of opportunities that I should take advantage of. I remember in middle school, one of our daily English assignments was to write down three things we were grateful for that day and I think now maybe that assignment wasn't such a waste of time. So I'm going to try to enjoy today and appreciate all the things I take for granted before I wake up one day to find that some of it is gone.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Bienvenidos a Miami
I just arrived in Miami this past Thursday after a horrendous experience at the airport (my mom and I sat on the plane on the runway for 3+ hrs before taking off). I started moving into my apartment and pretty much have everything set up in terms of furniture and decorating except for food. I like my apartment more and more as I see it coming together a bit more everyday--I just want it to be cozy and an escape from the stress of school and the lab though I'll have to resist the urge to over-decorate since I'll most likely be looking for another apartment for next year. I also realized very quickly that I am the youngest tenant in the 30 apartments in my complex since everyone else is pretty much a retiree which means I'll have a bunch of new grandpas/grandmas. Two of my neighbors have already told me I can knock on their doors if I ever have a problem (i.e. needing to borrow a cup of sugar or use their phone if a hurricane knocks out cell phone reception) probably because I remind them of their grandchildren. To explain the overrepresentation of the elderly, there's actually a clause in my contract that says that at least one of the occupants of the each unit must be at least forty (and to think I thought I didn't look a day older than about 15). But the condo association already approved me so I hope they don't try to throw me out.
There is also a hurricane threat in affect for southern Miami as I write this entry. It's just my luck that I would arrive here and within three days there's a preemptive state of emergency declared. Tropical storm Fay should make landfall sometime tomorrow afternoon and may become a category 1 hurricane but the native Floridians don't seem to worried so I guess I shouldn't panic--everyone's saying it'll just seem like a really bad thunderstorm. At least I'll be getting my first "big storm" under my belt; hopefully there aren't any Andrews or Katrinas looming in the near future (knock on wood).
Here are some overall first impressions of my new home. I should preface this my saying that I came here expecting the worst (I've developed a glass half empty complex for various reasons about starting grad school) so that should explain things if my thoughts seem a little negative.
-It's really, really humid!! I mean my glasses fog when I step out of the car and for the most part maintaining straight hair would be a nightmare. It's a good thing I've gone back to my curly hair.
-There are lizards everywhere. I have a habit of developing irrational fears just for fun and one of my new ones is that my new apartment will become infested with little lizards. I know they don't bite but anyone that knows me knows how much I would freak out if I were to let's say come face to face with one in the shower.
-I feel like I'm in South America. Granted I knew Miami was 2/3rds Spanish speaking but it didn't really hit me until I was in WalMart yesterday and I swear I didn't hear a word of English the entire time I was there and it took three salespeople to explain to me where to find an umbrella in English. It was a little uncomfortable but it made me realize that I'm going to need to start really practicing my Spanish. There's such a disconnect though between what it sounds like in my head and then what it sounds like coming out of my mouth. I can write you a 20pg essay about autorepresentacion de la identitad indigena (self-representation of the indigenous identity) but sound like a 5yr old when I speak. But hopefully people will find my broken Spanish endearing and want to help me.
-Lastly I feel like I don't belong. It's strange because I've been to Miami so many times in the last four years visiting Ansel (I mean I'm living two buildings down from his old apartment building) so I get this weird sense of deja vu being in the same places we used to go together. It feels like that since we're not together anymore that I shouldn't be here. The feelings are hard to explain but I know I'm going to have to try extra hard to make everything my own and build my own life because being here without him made me realize that he really was my only friend here so I'm going to have to focus on not feeling isolated.
All in all, moving in has been stressful and hectic but it's been nice spending time with my parents and extended family that live in Florida. The past couple days has given a ton to think about in terms of what I want the path I take to be like (school, career, relationships, etc.). Well if I survive Fay, I start orientation on Friday which should be interesting and will probably be decisive in whether I decide to like it here or not, so wish me luck.
There is also a hurricane threat in affect for southern Miami as I write this entry. It's just my luck that I would arrive here and within three days there's a preemptive state of emergency declared. Tropical storm Fay should make landfall sometime tomorrow afternoon and may become a category 1 hurricane but the native Floridians don't seem to worried so I guess I shouldn't panic--everyone's saying it'll just seem like a really bad thunderstorm. At least I'll be getting my first "big storm" under my belt; hopefully there aren't any Andrews or Katrinas looming in the near future (knock on wood).
Here are some overall first impressions of my new home. I should preface this my saying that I came here expecting the worst (I've developed a glass half empty complex for various reasons about starting grad school) so that should explain things if my thoughts seem a little negative.
-It's really, really humid!! I mean my glasses fog when I step out of the car and for the most part maintaining straight hair would be a nightmare. It's a good thing I've gone back to my curly hair.
-There are lizards everywhere. I have a habit of developing irrational fears just for fun and one of my new ones is that my new apartment will become infested with little lizards. I know they don't bite but anyone that knows me knows how much I would freak out if I were to let's say come face to face with one in the shower.
-I feel like I'm in South America. Granted I knew Miami was 2/3rds Spanish speaking but it didn't really hit me until I was in WalMart yesterday and I swear I didn't hear a word of English the entire time I was there and it took three salespeople to explain to me where to find an umbrella in English. It was a little uncomfortable but it made me realize that I'm going to need to start really practicing my Spanish. There's such a disconnect though between what it sounds like in my head and then what it sounds like coming out of my mouth. I can write you a 20pg essay about autorepresentacion de la identitad indigena (self-representation of the indigenous identity) but sound like a 5yr old when I speak. But hopefully people will find my broken Spanish endearing and want to help me.
-Lastly I feel like I don't belong. It's strange because I've been to Miami so many times in the last four years visiting Ansel (I mean I'm living two buildings down from his old apartment building) so I get this weird sense of deja vu being in the same places we used to go together. It feels like that since we're not together anymore that I shouldn't be here. The feelings are hard to explain but I know I'm going to have to try extra hard to make everything my own and build my own life because being here without him made me realize that he really was my only friend here so I'm going to have to focus on not feeling isolated.
All in all, moving in has been stressful and hectic but it's been nice spending time with my parents and extended family that live in Florida. The past couple days has given a ton to think about in terms of what I want the path I take to be like (school, career, relationships, etc.). Well if I survive Fay, I start orientation on Friday which should be interesting and will probably be decisive in whether I decide to like it here or not, so wish me luck.
Monday, August 4, 2008
I dunno about all this...
So I've jumped on the bandwagon and decided to start a blog about my life now that I'm moving to Miami and starting graduate school aka underpaid slavery.
I don't really know how I feel about blogging and whether I'm writing this for myself or just to let friends (and maybe eventually a handful of stalkers) know what's going on with me since I have a tendency to fall off the face of the planet. I mean my life isn't, and probably never will be, very interesting or glamorous but I guess it's always good to put one's musings down in a more permanent form and hopefully provide some entertainment in the process. Who knows, maybe this will serve as the foundation for my future autobiography when I win my Nobel prize for curing some dread infectious disease that was threatening the very existence of mankind (at least a girl can dream...).
I hope this doesn't become a diary where I complain about how I have it so hard and no one loves me (insert any other whiny comment you've heard me utter here) but I can't promise this since according to my ESFJ personality profile I just have a lot of feelings.
But yeah, we'll see what happens and how long I keep this up for...
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