God, please give me a sign...

I should probably be studying for Immunology right now but even just picking up my book makes my eyelids heavy so I decided to write an entry instead since it's been a while and also I just have a ton of stuff on my mind. So since anyone reading this is a good friend, I don't feel weird just coming out and saying that I'm going to try to transfer out of Miami to go elsewhere. I still am not sure if this is the best decision for me but I might as well initiate the process so that hopefully come spring I have the option of staying or going.

I should have never come to Miami. Now that I'm here, I'm trying to make the best of it but it's really hard to do that. I'm enjoying my lab rotation though trying to figure out where I'm going to do my second rotation has become stressful since my options in microbiology are more limited than I had thought (one of my main reasons for wanting to transfer). I've slowly been making more and more friends--I have a ton of acquaintances but no really close friends here which is probably more my fault since I don't really make the effort to hang out with people outside of school. On the other hand, being at school with an ex really sucks. It's not like I see him everyday and the last time I saw him was Halloween but just knowing that everytime an elevator door opens or someone walks into the library it could be him is really stressful and is really distracting. And it's not that I hate him or even dislike him because I don't because I was pretty horrible to him and deserve whatever disdain he has for me but seeing him just makes me feel sad and hurts my heart (I don't know how else to describe it). Overall it wouldn't be the end of the world if I stayed because I'd adapt but I do dislike living here and wish I had made the decision to attend school elsewhere from the beginning.

As far as where I'm applying, I have ideas but not a final list but right now its looking like the midwest or back in the northeast. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out the midwest has something to do with a significant other but therein lies the other part of my stress. I don't want to have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend and for the record, I never want a long distance relationship ever again--it's too difficult and too painful on many levels. For those of you who are able to see your significant other whenever you want, never forget how lucky you are. However I'm so scared of changing my life just to have another relationship not work out. While this relationship is very different from my previous one and we're in an infinitely better place than I was with Ansel when we discussed moving to be together, I don't want to move halfway across the country just to end up alone. Emotionally I really can't handle another failed relationship but I also can't handle seeing my boyfriend every couple months. I really want the courage to transfer but it's hard--my relationship right now is great (I couldn't ask for anything else) and there really isn't any reason why it shouldn't keep being great if I moved but there's the little voice that keeps telling me it might not work out. I seriously think I must be crazy. I just don't want to end up being a cautionary tale.

On the other hand, it wouldn't be so bad to move back to the northeast (I'm thinking anywhere btwn Washington DC and NYC) because I'd be back in a city and closer to my friends and family.

Wow, this ended up being a really long and self-involved rant but writing was very therapeutic because otherwise I just keep it all inside. There isn't really anyone I can talk to here about any of this because no one knows I'm transferring. It's getting so bad, one of my workmates commented today that I looked like someone had beat me up because I looked so out of it and mind you this is after I actually tried to look nice (did my hair and put makeup on). I just want to be at peace and happy and I just wish I knew which path would bring me there. I can't wait for Christmas when I'll be home and won't have to worry about anything for a couple days.